It doesn’t matter how big and strong we are does it, it doesn’t matter what we’ve been through, endured and survived and all of those life lessons don’t mean a single thing at all because like it or not we all have that one person we seem to be completely powerless against. For me the best way to describe it and probably how I realized it and related to it was Dwayne Johnson in the movie Central Intelligence. For those of you that haven’t seen it his character has been through a huge body transformation, he was an overweight high school kid that was bullied then went and turned himself into the man mountain that we all know. He is this huge hyper confident and positive character but there is a scene where he comes face to face with his nemesis the school bully. The bully still taunts him not fearing the size of him and remarks that no matter what he has done to his outside he will always be the same on the inside. Dwayne then looks to a reflection of himself and see’s the image of his former self looking back at him and cowers to the bully.
That is how it can feel with someone in your life, they can instantly put you back in that place of vulnerability and weakness just by seeing them, speaking to them, on the phone or even receiving a message off them. For some reason you feel weak or near defenseless with them, be it from an abusive or controlling standpoint or even from such strong emotional bonds that you seem to never be able to sever. Which is really the subject matter for this. I know I have struggled in the field. Not in a pining or needy sense, more everything that has been and gone seems to instantly vanish when I interact with a certain person and I can find myself on the ropes trying to regain little composure. Not control mind, I let that be knowing I can confidently handle the situation. I mean, in that movie the Rock eventually faces the bully and finally gets to move forwards with his life. It’s almost like a human flaw to struggle in a totally unnecessary manner. It’s that human element where our emotions and feelings almost get the better of us, that’s not actually a bad thing being reminded we are human and that another human touched and connected with us so deeply. It’s almost a privilege to have been that submersed in someone although you can, and I did lose your identity. That is something you only really see on reflection and once you do find yourself again you generally will be an improved version. However, they will always have a piece of you and vice versa. For me I with all of this I feel it is because there is still a physical tie. The house that is waiting to be sold feels like it is keeping everything linked. It’s turned into the sun in my universe and I’m just standing back from it on my planet watching it as I continue to revolve around it just waiting for it to go supernova and bring about the end. Which will hopefully catapult me out into space until one day I will set up shop on my new home planet in a new solar system. No doubt from there I will still be able to see that old constellation but from where I will be, it will be light years away.
These people have an affect on us which is almost like being haunted, like they are never really more than two thoughts from our minds. Now this isn’t to say my situation, my ‘sun’ has held me back in getting on with my life. In fact I have made ginormous leaps forwards in virtually every aspect of my life yet the whole time it feels like I am being tethered somewhere. Have you ever had those dreams where you can’t move as fast as you want to? Like you are trying to run away but you can’t seem to make your limbs move the speed you want them to? That is probably how I can describe it best. It’s a horrible feeling that you can’t get away or break free and no matter how much effort you put in you don’t make it almost as if you are walking through wet sand or walking face first into strong winds.
This feeling is a hard one to describe properly but no one likes feeling this way. Earlier I said it could be for a lot of reason but for me it was that all consuming deepness, we were interwoven for many years and honestly, as I write this I don’t know if that particular feeling of connection will ever leave me. As an adult I have never experienced something like this before, it has been quite overwhelming and to this day I probably have this person entering my thoughts too often. I put it down to the current circumstances, that is all it can be now. The last link, the last physical or material joint.
Naturally you get used to people not being in your day to day world, all the habits and behavioural patterns begin to fade. I remember initially being very aware and mindful when talking to people of using particular phrases and terms that were born during that period, even to the degree of removing them from my vocabulary altogether. As with everything else though that behaviour faded, I found myself a footing and as I returned to me this new me flourished and continued to develop.
It’s not an easy thing though moving on from a person, regardless of what’s gone before. The human element remains and certainly for me I tend to initially remember the good, the belly laughs and smiles. Things like Facebook drop in a little reminder too, old memories you shared, it has been difficult removing those as they come in as it feels like removing part of your history and I don’t deny myself any of my history. The good or the bad as each were steps towards the making of me as I am now. That is a me I am very proud of being and enjoy being.
So now as I start to prepare for that sun to go supernova my gut tells me it won’t leave a black hole. I think it’s going to be more of a white hole which in it’s definition is perfect; “A hypothetical region of space and time which cannot be entered from the outside, although matter and light can escape from it”. That sounds pretty perfect to me, a place that has been and you can’t add to or lose anything else into but can release things from time to time. So by that I shall embrace the dawn of my white hole, that place I can see but not add to, a place where I can throw a rye smile. That is where, I assume my weakness will end and the moving on can become complete.
My Achilles’ heel, as big and strong as I am with everything I have done, do, achieve and believe that is my weakness. I’m not ashamed to admit it, I accept where everything in my life is and would not change a single thing if I were given the opportunity. I’m not about looking back and wanting to change things, none of us should view life like that. I wouldn’t want that life again either but it doesn’t stop me feeling vulnerable about it from time to time. I know I’m strong, I know no one has a hold over me but that doesn’t stop the feeling and the related emotions even if they are temporary.
If you’re there too, in this same place then don’t worry about it. Know that even if you feel like you are weak it doesn’t mean you are, we all have more strength and will power to draw upon than we even know and remember, that feeling isn’t one way. Everybody has a weakness for someone but it doesn’t have to mean that will be your downfall. Whoever your Achille’s heel is they have one too. Should it be the same person then that forms a circle that will need to be broken.
So don’t get caught up in feeling weak, it passes. As all things do. Just put a little distance between them and your thoughts. For me, she was never a person I wanted to get over, I just had to.