Dividing paths


Moving on is all part of life. In fact it is a very big part of life. When somethings happened that has provoked a change in your world it’s paramount that you execute everything that comes with it. There will be the ‘main event’ itself and then all of the minor issues caused by the ripple effect. Just like dropping a pebble into a pond, there’s a big splash at the centre of the impact and then all of the waves form and from that they seem to go on forever, but they don’t. Each one will reach the shore eventually. It’s these ripples, these minor issues that actually seem a little bit all consuming, as they appear to come at us from all angles quite relentlessly. While we’re trying to address the big splash, wave after wave comes towards us seemingly obstructing us from tackling things at their core.

Now, I have tackled a few things in my time and on each occasion I have better and more efficient at processing what was happening. Yet to this day I have struggled with my current situation. It is no secret and the process of dealing with it gave birth to me doing this and my work. That in itself has made the last few years worthwhile. Learning, developing and refining all of these coping skillets  then be able to pass on those techniques.

Yet here I am, facing another unpredicted ripple in my pond. This is a point that I generally keep still and calm. Yet as with life twists and turns the sale on the house I am selling fell through and delaying my closure. It’s something I sort of expected, I didn’t truly believe I was going to be released just yet. There has been something niggling at me for a while now and I wasn’t sure what it was. One of those mind splinters.

By the time this reaches you I will be living alone. No secret guests or visitors and this coming about has lifted something from my shoulders and right here and now as I write this I’m even sure if anything will actually change. I did not want to spend another Christmas here, last year was one of the toughest things about this whole journey. But a new hand has been dealt and therefore must be played and all barring a miracle I won’t be needing to send a forwarding address to the North pole just yet. Where last year I really let it all get to me this year I am stronger, more at peace. This year there decorations going up and there will be a mince pie on Christmas Eve.

The thought of actually living alone and free has left me somewhat euphoric, it has given me a new burst of energy and determination. Now I know that my life is still here in this house for certainly at least twelve weeks I can put it out of my mind and let the agents do their thing. This ripple though has caught me a little off guard. The realisation that a permanent change is upon me, a change that I have yearned for for such a long time now. It has been one of an enforced torment, albeit the practice of mental torture hasn’t really been something I have overly enjoyed enduring, until the sales dotted line was signed everything has remained in limbo as with any house sale, this one is no different in that respect. Here though, all bar a few future comms regarding the house sale someone that was the centre of my universe for such a long time will be fading from my world. It’s something I had wanted so badly while I was reeling from the hurt and anger. I’d have given anything for an Infinity Gauntlet and a Thanos snap. But, time passes, adrenalin and venom subside, they have to. You can’t exist in that state and call it a life. you have to move away. At some point those paths will divide and if you beg for it, want it so bad, pray for it or wish it will never come. It doesn’t matter, you will either be ready or not. I am sad, very sad by the thought but I know it is temporary sadness. Nothing is permanent. Not hurt, anger, sadness, happiness or even life. We just get to experience the mixed bag of it all and make our way through it as best we can, enjoying the highs while they are there and working our way through the lows as we have to.

All this has made me think about my dad lot too, especially as my parents anniversary is coming up. He would have been a healthy mix of comfort and telling my straight. To say I miss him is an understatement, missing him doesn’t fade. So as I sit here pouring this out I am looking around at things I won’t see anymore.Yes I like nice things  but I like nice people more. I can’t tell a bookcase or a toilet brush about a new idea or experience I have had. Or a killer photoshoot or meal I’ve eaten. I have found a pure strength in my solitude, it has enabled me to select the people I want in my life but it doesn’t stop the human reaction to occasionally catch yourself looking over your shoulder into your past. just don’t bring it back into your present.

Yet paths will divide, not just with lovers but with friends too, and if you are the one starting a new path not through choice but circumstance then please understand that although it’s an unknown journey in front of you it will be a journey that will ultimately enhance you as a person and your life in general. It may not be instant and in truth you don’t want it to be. You want to experience a few bumps in the road and a few unknowns. They are the things that leads you to knowing what you want. Take what you can from the present before the paths divide, not in the physical sense. Like I said, stuff is worthless but take what you can emotionally and spiritually while you can. Take all that you can carry as it will help you, as you’re finding your way it will instruct you, it will remind you. There is no better method for improving and learning than drawing from past (and present) emotions caused by separation. Even if it is upsetting , before you know it that will have passed. Yes, you can count on a few unexpected ripples along the way to throw you off course but it will be ok. It always is.

Be mindful though as I now am. I know the coming days could be a very mixed bag of emotions but as always I will be keeping the vision of the greater good, the bigger picture in the forefront of my mind. That is where your sights need to be locked. I have so much going on and that I am working towards that you’d think it should be easy but, I am self confessed soft soul. I’m a carer. I do have a tendency to give people an ‘in’ too many times, but that is written as the “last time out” me. The next time I get brought off of the bench I will be bringing a slightly enhanced version to the field of play. However, that won’t stop me caring, I feel nothing could ever stop me caring, that’s just me. Although luckily not caring what people think of me is not a problem. People are entitled to their opinions and I respect that, if they feel the need to voice them when they haven’t been asked for.

It’s a mad phenomenon though what we go through and experience. Sometimes maybe we forget that maybe someone else is going through it too. Maybe the path they set out on isn’t paved in gold, maybe it is everything they ever dreamed of and more. All I know is I will always concentrate on my own path, my journey and although a large part of it broke away some time a go now, like a femur from a hip socket. I know I have and will continue to rebuild it. It’s what we do, we move on. we move forwards.

Talking openly about someone from your past may seem or feel weak but it is the opposite. It shows a strength, a maturity that even though someone so important from your world is now removed..

..that even though you can be linked historically you can  remain free in the present.


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