Papering over the cracks.


It’s easy isn’t it, ignore it and it’ll go away. I think that’s generally how life works. If there is something that needs addressing or sorting out I think the best option is to do one of two things; bury your head in the sand, or bury your head in the clouds. That’s not solid advice? But it seems that when we have things to tackle, those things maybe we don’t want to these are our go-to methods for resolution? Instead of facing what is going on in our lives we can have a tendency to choose ignorance being bliss and pretend that everything is ok. We have a habit of papering over the cracks.

That thing we do, smooth everything over on the surface so everything looks absolutely fine from the outside and leave the problem for another day. We adopt an out of sight, out of mind approach and pretend there is nothing wrong. We know the reality though, it doesn’t matter how many layers of wallpaper we put over it the cracks remain there underneath. All those extra layers simply buffer the time in which the cracks begin to show through again. It’s facing facts, or more the detail of facing facts because facts are just that, unavoidable conclusions. Words can be misinterpreted, contorted and certainly ignored but facts and truths are constant. There is no running from them, well there is but unfortunately for us truth is a lot better runner with a lot more stamina.

There is only one true course of action if we are to ever find peace with whatever it may be that we are trying to ignore and that is to strip back all of the paper, layer after layer and expose the cracks completely. See how far they spread and identify their origin. It will be an origin you are more than likely fully aware of but again, choosing to ignore. When all is out in the open, nowhere to  run and hide and the extent of the damage can be seeing is only then, if you are honest with yourself that you can even start to begin to figure out: one- if the damage is too far beyond a state of repair; or two- how to begin repairing the cracks in order to fix them and do all you can to prevent their reoccurrence . This is one of the hardest things to do when you are faced with the reality that a life changing decision is in front of you and now no longer unavoidable. It doesn’t matter what the subject is, illness, addiction, abuse, work, relationships. A life changing decision is a life changing decision.

I fell spectacularly at this hurdle and although decisions made at the this juncture led to immense heartache it gave birth to a new and improved version of me. When I found myself here I chose to ignore what I could see, I chose to believe in the power of a ridiculous amount of coincidences and decided to throw a hideous amount of paper back up on the wall and what I had just seen was incorrect. It didn’t take long for that paper to slip straight back off the wall and by then the cracks were even further beyond repair. Now even though I attempted to delay the inevitable or somehow overcome it I was never going to and my punishment  for this was months of crippling stress, anxiety, broken sleep and foul mood swings as I ridiculously tried to out run fact. But as I said, you cannot outrun the truth, you may be able to swerve it and lose it for a while but it soon makes the ground back up.

Looking back now, the thing s I saw, I know and chose to believe as true is incredible. Anyone on the outside would instantly be saying ‘ What the hell are you doing?’ if they were privy to my world. But when it’s your world and the daily life you are living you can’t see it. You don’t see or feel your behaviour. Everything you’re doing seems normal because you are simply living your life to how you’ve come accustom to. To think that people I know were watching this strange contorted behaviour back then is something that really is very cringe worthy now yet they also knew that is was behaviour not set in reality but of course they are in a position where they can’t really say anything. If I am telling people I am happy then they just have to  accept that and that behaviour looks so bad on me. I see it now, now I have managed to break out of that trap. The collective hours I spent tracking  and waiting to see something that was going to confirm the gut feeling I was ignoring is staggering but again you cant see it when you’re there, you are too close to it. I see it now with people i know and it just makes me feel sad. It’s not my place to speak out or comment, just hope they find a road to happiness soon.

The mind is such a powerful thing , we can convince ourselves of anything, positive or negative. It can out up barriers so thick to protect us from hurt and pain but then it is only in the tearing down of these barriers and facing what is troubling us that we can truly find peace, happiness and that we can truly find who we are and what we want. That is the beauty of the mind, of being human. We are limited only by what we choose to see as our limitations. We can achieve greatness in any field or we can fuel the mind to spiral us downwards. Creating a ‘safe’ and false reality to hide in. That isn’t how we should live. Regardless of the hurt and pain that we put ourselves at risk of encountering we should be out, free, living. Life is so short, too short live in a state of doubt or denial. Why live with a constant cloud over you affecting your judgement, affecting your mood, health and wellbeing? It’s not a way to live and having been under that cloud and now looking back it is frightening in how we accept that as a way of living.

Denial is a parasite, if there is something wrong then that parasite will feed on that, it adds felt what you are feeling allowing it to grow, allowing it to fester and contort. It takes on a new form as it manifests in your mind. Your gut will be screaming out at you to take steps that you know you need to take. To me the phrase that you cant see the wood for the trees is one of the most accurate and fitting sayings there is. Once you have been consumed by that denial and that way of thinking, that safeness of running and hiding from the truth the trees growth an inch from your face. Or we put it off, we can see things need to change but we buffer it, we put it off but then.. what if next week doesn’t arrive? Life changes so quickly and moves so fast that we cannot live any other way than happy and content.

What is the good of papering over the cracks? Really, what are you hoping to achieve, to let everyone else know things are ok with you and try and steer their attentions elsewhere? They can see straight through it and rest assured knowing all you actually doing is drawing more attention to what you are trying to hide. We amplify our behaviour, if we are unhappy we project this over happy facade that is so easy to spot. ‘He’s trying too hard’ or ‘She’s all over him’. All those phrases you’ll hear in casual conversation when this subject is knocking around. The gossip grannies love it. As with anything having the courage to face it and make that difficult decision will only serve you so well for the rest of life. Take that from someone that failed to do so and learnt the hard way, the very hard way. And when it is done, when the pressure valve has been released your life will change, you will change. For the better. It may take you a little while to get your bearings but it will be worth it. Once you’re back on your feet you will discover your footings feel so much firmer.

Take it from a former fool, a man or maybe I should say boy that was love drunk, love bind, naive and scared of losing what he had that he didn’t do what he knew should have been done and ended up paying an incredible price. All for something.. all for trying to hold on to something that may have been there before but seems had long since left his world.

Now the memories form scars, scars that will fade but will always remain ever present and will serve as a stark reminder but as with any cracks that may appear from here on out in my world I won’t cover them up. I will stare at them, understand them. Address them and instead of papering over any cracks, I’ll just build a new damn wall.

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