I knew there would come a time in this whole process when the end would actually happen. Now don’t get me wrong I questioned it many many times along the way and at some points it seemed it would never arrive and this limbo state I had found myself being put in would become my way of life indefinitely. Initially after the break up the seconds rang out for days, minutes appeared to work in reverse and the hours and days were eternities to be endured. When you have been used to a person, a routine, a way of life for nearly ten years a change can have a very large impact. Take that person out of your entire lifes equation and the effects are devastating. But thats what happened , that is what I had to deal with. In all honesty the details and variables of the break up are some what insignificant when looking at the bigger picture. The facts are, and this applies to any relationship with any two people. If either one or both aren’t happy in that relationship, not bored or fed up as we know the longer a relationship has been going for the fewer reasons there are for it to break down and I don’t really need to state those do I. It’s ok to not be happy and leave someone, its ok to not love someone and leave them, If its done for the right reasons, if it is done cleanly, well as cleanly as it can be because after such a long period your whole lives are intertwined.
I remember when my dad was dying and behind the scenes my relationship was failing without my knowledge. When my dad passed away I clung onto anything familiar I could. I wrapped my arms around everything left in the fear of losing more in a time when I should have walked away from my relationship. The illness and passing of my dad made me react very differently to how I should have, truthfully I probably would have acted the same way and made the same decisions even if he were healthy and alive because I was scared. I was petrified of the thought of not having her in my life, she had become my life. House, car, pets, we had it all and everything should have been a dream world.
But life doesn’t deal you the fairytale, you have to graft at it, you have to work for it and I am the first to admit my track record, my score card wasn’t the best example out there. Having lived so long with the issue of losing my grandfather and how that trauma had affected me and manifested into, lets be honest a very ugly pattern of boundary-less behaviour by the time my behaviour had worn thin within the relationship and I sourced and begun to see a councillor my partner had decided enough was enough and decided to move on. Claiming too little too late to me felt a little harsh but just because she decided to go it didn’t stop my searching for the answers to my behavioural pattern, to dig into my mind and unearth the core of it, the origin. And we did, my councillor and I broke through and discovered the origin and began to rebuild me to how I should be; how I should have been and ironically the version of me and how I am now is the version she had always wanted but in life you don’t always get what you want when you want it, you always get what you need when you need it. Read into that whatever you may.
Admitting you are not perfect in a world when you are expected to be was something I learned to accept. I always touted myself just as that, perfect. But now I see that was merely a very poor mask I was attempting to wear. I am glad I am not perfect after all and I accept me for who I am with these imperfections, with these flaws. Accepting that you are in fact imperfect does has a sense of beauty about it. Imperfection is beauty. It leaves the pretence at the door, pick a me, gossip about my flaws and mistakes, but you will never make me falter, you will never make me question who I am and what I want to achieve. What am I GOING to achieve. It reduces fear too, you see fear in completely a new light. i am not scared to be on my own, I am not scared to cut someone out of my life if they are a toxic energy. I am not scared to chase my dreams and I am not scared of the workload that it brings. I don’t put things off, regardless of the subject matter if it needs to be dealt with then it is just that, dealt with.
I’m sorry I didn’t make it easier to ride the journey out with me and obviously there are two sides to every coin, every story and I can only tell mine. But I would have never given ups in trying to make it work, in trying to plant everything back on their rails but again, that is life. I don’t regret my time in my last relationship, why would I? I thought we were home and dry.
There’s no blame game, I accept that we don’t always get what we want and I now totally accept we can be totally blinded by what we think we want when the reality is we sometimes just don’t know what we want until we have it. That is possibly one of the biggest things I have learnt during this time. In relinquishing my wanting to control every aspect of my life in attempt to try not to lose anything it makes us (me) lose sight of what we have, and what we shouldn’t have. I let it all go, with open arms I allowed everything to leave my world and accepted that whatever wanted to stay would do so, whatever wanted to return would do so. Resulting in everything that I have in my world now is there because it wants to be and should any of that change and decide to leave then I will create no friction in allowing that to happen. Whats the point? Live your life free of any shackles and I mean that both ways, don’t try and hold onto things that don’t wish to remain in your world and don’t allow yourself to be held into anyones world. A caged bird won’t sing.
It’s now reflecting back at those last ten years of my life and of course the last two that I can see the extent of my journey. It’s a journey that was yearning for a marker, a milestone or a line in the sand to say ‘It’s ok, its over now. There are no more reasons to look over your shoulder all of the time’. It’s going to take a bit of getting used to for sure but Im very focused on now fully starting over again. Starting a new chapter with no ties to the past and with it coming at this point in the year it does seem very fitting. Teeing everything up for walking into the new year with a fresh start, a clean slate.
I am very torn on this whole subject. In the sense that my heart and my gut are very much pulling in two separate directions. This person, regardless of what we have done to one another over the years was someone I completely lost my heart to and now, stepping up to the crossing waiting for the green man to light up so I can cross the road it on one hand it doesn’t feels right going it alone without her but then I remind myself of all I have endured these past few years and it makes sense to cross. It is the right thing to do> I’m sure I won’t ever stop wondering how she is but I do know I have to now put me first. I have to give the old place a quick walk through before I leave, turning the lights off in each room as I pop my head in to double check I’ve got everything I need. Then as it took at everything i have to close the door behind me and move on, even if a parts of me pull against it I know it has to be done.
Chapters of life start and they end, but that ending only brings about the prospect of a new chapter set to begin.
I truly hope you are happy throughout your life and that your closing of our chapter has generated a new happy chapter for you. I don’t know if you think about us back here but we will be fine now. Thank you for our time, thank you for the laughter, the dreams and the adventures. It’s time for me to go now but I think you knew that was coming. I will only ever reflect back on this period of my life and draw from the positives and the bottom line is this relationship was the making of me. It came at a high price and that was a price I didn’t know I had to pay.
This is life, the highs and the lows, the twists and the turns, the wins and the losses. She will remain in my memory forever. Someone that made me so incredibly happy, someone that shattered me into a million pieces and is someone that was instrumental to putting me on this pathway to working tirelessly to become the best human being I can possibly be; and for that I thank you.
So don’t worry about me, and as we always said;
For Everything A Reason.