If we manage to get through life without damaging or being damaged by someone then we’ve done exceptionally well. It’s pretty much a part of being human and travelling through life. We will at some point let someone in under our defences because we choose to and we do this in the full knowledge that they then have every capability to hurt us in ways that could affect us for a very long time. As a general rule of thumb people don’t set out for this to happen, they don’t generally speaking come into your life with the full intention of breaking you completely. That would be a complete waste of their time too.
Now obviously this is a two sided coin as everything always is but today, this is the side of those left standing, holding shattered pieces of their worlds in their hands and trying to work out what happened and what will happen in the aftermath. I’ve been there, we’ve probably all been there. You’re clueless with what to do, what happens from here on out but the one thing I have learned from my journey, well I actually learned a thousand things but maybe the biggest thing, the most important thing is that no matter how much this is hurting, no matter how much pain you are or have been in, this has happened for a reason and a right reason at that. Another thing I have learnt, which takes a while to sink in is that you have to let them go. You cannot even begin to start to heal if you hold on to them, in any shape or form.
So point one, whatever happened, it has happened be it from a sequence of events, things you may have done, things they may have done but the bottom line is the the reason why is now irrelevant. Not one single fact of that is important, the most important thing is now accepting that it happened and things must now change. I have to stress at this point whatever has or did happen doesn’t matter to you now, don’t let it take seed and manifest inside you. Harbouring feelings of anger and hate will only ever effect one person, you. They have gone, their new life doesn’t and won’t ever factor in how you may be feeling or coping. This is now for you to do. All responsibilities of your well being lay firmly at your feet. Soon you will understand that this is how it should be, and how you want it to be.
Rediscovering who you are and what you want is a liberating journey. Remembering who you are and what you can achieve paired with he sensation of standing alone on your own two feet, not answering to anyone, not having to check with anyone or seeking anyones approval. This is the reason it has really happened, so you can rediscover and redefine yourself. You can restore the balance to your world with you at the centre of it. Not having to dilute yourself any longer to a dying cause. It is how you view things, in fact it is how you ‘choose’ to view things. Accept that hurt and pain in the knowledge that it will fade and subside and choose to see the break down as a positive energy that has enabled two people to find happiness. You deserve to be happy just as much as the person you are with deserves to be happy. Otherwise you are just endlessly attempting to douse a fire that will never go out.
I was out a few weeks ago, catching up with a few long posts and it saddened me to see how one of them had let a break up taint so much of their life, but I could understand it completely as it still feels so fresh to me, my thoughts and dreams are still plagued with memories even though I am at peace with all that has happened and very much in tune with what I am doing and what I want but we are all human. We’re not going to ace it each and every time and there is nothing wrong with that but we cannot let ourselves be consumed by it, we can’t let our history define our present or our future. Just as we cannot tarnish other people with the brushes from our past. It may well have been the love of your life that hurt you but then, how could it have been if it wasn’t right? That reluctance is ultimately keeping the potential love of your life at bay, they will see the feelings you project and it will be interpreted as quite simply, you not being over someone and no one will want to become involved in unresolved business, especially emotions. Trust me, that doesn’t work and papering over the cracks only serves to delay the inevitable.
It touches on seeing those relationship ghosts, yes they will be present, cars, songs, places or anything else can trigger that feeling but you don’t have to allow that to be a negative flashback. I’d hear songs and burst into tears instantly and turn the song off until I chose not to exist like that anymore and now when I get hit with a ghost I find a happy memory because it is not a crime to think fondly of someone even if they destroyed you back then. You don’t need to fuel the bitterness or angry elements and you don’t need to flog yourself for cracking a small smile either. The important thing is you accepting the change has come about and that it will be for the better. I mean, what if you got them to stay or you got them to come back? What would actually happen? That creates an emotional prisoner, someones mind and heart has already left, you keeping them there means you only have their physical presence, a shell.
Both of you deserve more than that. I have been there, clinging on so desperately to the fragments of what is left in a futile attempt to try and avoid the inevitable but it is like holding sand in your hands, the longer you hold it the more disappears through your fingers and it is impossible to pick up what you have dropped without losing everything else. So we accept the imperfections that have generated, we try to ignore the voice screaming out at us to do something about it until the critical point is breached and there is no coming back. A point that could have and should have been reached long ago but it is not easy to admit the end, to admit that you’ve failed at someones happiness.
That doesn’t make you a villain, a criminal or a victim. It makes you human. That is what we all are and we can’t and never will be able to guarantee another persons happiness, that is their job. Putting yourself first is the starting point, self love as it were. Regardless of what you have been through, if you have had your heart broken, if you have been betrayed or your ex partner has let the children down it all starts with you loving you. Accepting that bad stuff happens but also understanding that good things do too, especially when your outlook is positive. It’s not a measure against anyone else or the situation but if you can wish the best for them regardless of what has gone before, if you can cleanse your soul enough to truly want them to be happy wherever they are then you can elevate yourself. It’s an elevation not over others but more of spirituality. To see the bigger picture in that we all deserve to be and can be happy. Harness that outlook and release those stakes in the ground that are tethering you to the past. It is a past that has happened but is no longer your reality. Learn the lessons from it and move forwards, move upwards.
Love can and will make us vulnerable to hurt but love should never leave us wanting to hold on to something that is no longer right for us. The person remains in your memories as no doubt you will remain in theirs but it is time for you to live a full and happy life.
It is time to let them go.