It’s a bold move. To remove every piece of somebody from your life, not as a temporary measure but as a life decision. It’s certainly a lot easier in theory than in reality, a couple of taps in your mind and all channels are closed off, sorted. But factor in the human mind, emotion, memories, feelings and it’s not so straight forward. The bring in the vastness of the social platforms and free world access we all embrace to information and suddenly it becomes a task of well thought out and thorough consideration. It boils down to a simple question as to whether or not you are wiling to undertake the ‘project’. Does this person bring any positive energy into your life in them being there? Now that’s a big question, a question who’s answer needs some serious thought. Step back and think about the magnitude of that. Any positive energy at all, you’d like to think everyone offers somebody some percentage of positive fuel but as with life some things are black and white and some thing just plain ain’t. It’s now that we have to start weighing things up, not saying construct a pro’s and con’s list but look selfishly at your life and the lives of those around you that it affects. You’re now making decisions based on what is best for you, that is all we can do.
For me it has been something that was on the cards from day one and it was a decision I made two years ago and I have had it tumble drying in my mind ever since. It was a decision that I made long before I had even got over her, long before I had even absorbed what had happened and a decision I had long struggled with exercising. 10 years in the blink of an eye or so it seems at the time but the reflective truth is if you analysed it back the wheels were long in motion. As the moment of truth neared ever closer so did the decision, even to the point of me just staring down at the option on my phone when the moment finally did arrive. I can tell you now I didn’t ace it first time, I couldn’t tell you how many times I’d close my phone and put it off with the build up of the moment racing through my mind.
I thought back to the preparation I had undertaken to get here, from both sides. I balanced it all up because there are and always will be two sides to every story and I’ve never been a boy scout. It’s only really through all of this that I have truly grown up. So I know it wasn’t one way traffic when you reflect over 10 years. We can all..do more.
But we only really face the facts of the matter and for me, as I have documented before I am like an old diesel locomotive. I keep going, I don’t stop and I don’t give up and I more than likely would have carried on soldiering on destroying my mental health in the process but as with everything in life, it actually worked out for the best. If it was just me and her, letting all that had gone before pass then the outcome could have been different but factor in other influences and, you know what..No the outcome was never and could ever be different. See this is the see-saw that I had to deal with. I get get reminded of some of the very bottom line facts and it renders the whole situation null and void. Unforgivable acts, details somewhat irrelevant now after the passing of time but the fact of the deeds will always remain cast in stone and ever present when it comes to my relationship and that even greater force of my daughters well being. That quite simply outweighs and top trumps any indecision that may have crept into my mind via a sneaky side gate.
My daughter and my Dad and what they went through, what all of my family went through, how that pushed me into a corner and gagged me from everything else going on in my world at the time. That is why I made decision, not for me but for those two. It’s stepping back and looking at the situation from afar with a little distance between you and your emotions. Like anything else a decision made fuelled by emotions and feelings will more than likely be one made in haste and ultimately regret. There are a few things I regret in my life but I have to remember it has all forged who I am now. Every bad decision, even slipped opportunity was merely a temporary upset in order to get the ship steered correctly to it’s real destination. That is what we need to remember, the bigger picture. I reference that a lot because that for me is how I have to exist, seeing the bigger picture in everything. Everything has a history, everything and everyone have an untold story and private battles but it is looking at where those battles got you. Stripping back the emotions and leaving just he facts, the truth. As they don’t change, the don’t lie, they are a consistent in our lives. Make sure you deal exclusively with these two criteria and you’re never really going to stray too far from the right path. I find myself redeeming the right path on quite a regular basis as I continue to grow within myself. So don’t remain stuck in the mud of something because that is what you would have always done, learn to adapt and build off the lessons along the way.
So I did step back, I removed all of the emotion and stared hard at the truth and what a hard truth it was, quite the ugly reality, something that I could not entertain as even an option. When D-day first happened I did the same thing but in a very knee jerk manner. I cut off a whole bunch of people in one foul swoop. People that I liked a lot but had very close ties to someone else that I just couldn’t or have any further connection to. Although knee jerk there was not a single doubt in my mind that it was the right thing to do. The gut feeling as always was there but this situation, this decision had me now staring at my phones screen with just one tap left to end it all there was real conflict. Emotions were doing their best to create a fog over doing the right thing and it was clearly the right thing to do as it was so hard to do. just as everything in life the hard way is more often than not the right way. That is something else I have learned to embrace now.
People though, they are more than just a lesson for us. You share your life with them, for no matter what duration they touch your world and can leave quite a profound imprint on you. That is something to be embraced too, there is no need to run and hide from people incase they hurt us and likewise no need to refuse to let anyone new in to your world incase history repeats itself. Which it won’t. History teaches us that it is all a series of unique one-offs that develop us. Sometimes a lot more than we are expecting and I do think, certainly at this current stage that this chapter has made me a little colder towards new comers that wish to get close to me. Yet I know that will fade away.
So I sat here at my desk just as I am now writing this. My mind telling me things, my gut telling something else then it happened. An email came through confirming the end of the entire chapter and I was free. I gave myself a moment as I knew I wouldn’t absorb it fully instantly but I did feel a shift, a lifting of a weight. It was enough to do it. I gathered myself and my thoughts, I returned to my desk after a little walk and I opened my phone.
With a silent farewell in my thoughts it was time to move on. Block/Delete.