1. “You got a promotion! That’s adorable.” Unless you work at a baby kitten factory, and it therefore is literally adorable, this is not acceptable behavior.
2. “You’re so cool, how are you still single?”Because my Coolness is an ever-expanding supernova, enveloping and destroying every potential mate in its path, that’s why. Fuckface.
3. “You’re not like the hot but totally crazygirls I date.” Translation: “You’re not one of those passionate, smoldering, exciting ‘Have an argument about politics that segues into awesome Mr. And Mrs. Smith angry sex up against a wall’ girls I will remember for my entire life. You’re more the “Hey sweetie, can you pick up my Preparation H on the way home from work?” type.
4. “You have such a pretty face!” But I want to throw holy water on the rest of your hideous body, you disgusting beautiful-headed demon-woman.
5. “You look healthy, I love your curves.” If you have solid self-confidence, this is a regular (and awesome) compliment. If you’re conscious of your weight, this is like your heart being metaphorically nut-cracked between Nicki Minaj’s buttcheeks.
6. “You look so great I didn’t even recognize you!” “As opposed to the snaggle-toothed feral child I steel myself to see when we make plans to hang.”
7. “You’re a good driver for a woman.”Weird, because I am steering with my vagina, just like all the other women do.
8. “You finally look as good as you did when I first met you!”
9. “Really? You don’t look like you would [watch Scorsese movies] [enjoy NASCAR racing] [be good at fantasy football.]” You don’t look like someone who enjoys being called Miss Lucy in public. Oh, you don’t?Why not, Miss Lucy?
10. “I love that I don’t have to try around you” Cool, next time we go out to dinner why don’t you wear old man sweatpants and roll around in human waste and fart at the table.
11. “You’re pretty for a [black/Latina/Asian/overweight/Jewish/etc.] girl.” KMS. Actually, no — KYS.
12. “I don’t even think of you as a girl.”That’s because I’m not. I’m just wearing a full-body girl suit. I’ve actually been a huge ferret this whole time.
13. “You’re single because you’re too picky.”“You should aim more on your level, like the crazy guy who hangs out outside the local YMCA trying to smoke discarded cigarette butts.”
14. “You look so cute with straight hair!” I’m glad I have to get a $70 blowout from a severe Serbian woman who rips half my hair out to be considered attractive to you.
15. “You’re not the wifing-up type.” Thus marginalizing you to the category of “chill sex buddy” or “woman I call when my wife is out of town.” (But has he seen your hair straight yet!!?! *jumps off bridge*)
16. “You look so great on Instagram.” That “fix my ugly-ass face” filter works wonders, huh.
17. “I like how you’re not obsessed with how you look.” Actually it takes me hours to look like I don’t give a shit about how I look, but thanks.