I posted earlier in the week on my Facebook to how some recent events have really affected me and that is still very much the case today.
Seeing something you always knew but never had resounding undeniable evidence of was, at that moment both glorious and heart breaking. It’s all very well knowing in the back of your mind that you were made an absolute fool of but when it’s presented to you in images? Well, it doesn’t make you feel that good about yourself. I know that even to this day there would be denial, lies and kitchen cleaning. It’s just been a thought and feeling I haven’t been able to shake since I saw it.
I have been someone that has turned round and faced my demons and issues and all of the things that prevented me from having that happy and regular day to day existence. As anyone working through things will tell you, it’s a battle that is never won. Think of it as an engine. Without oil, fuel, water it will seize. It’s efficiency will be hindered. All of this has knocked me back, massively so. To levels of emotion I thought were long dead. But maybe it’s because these are emotions and feelings that I knew were real but never actually had to deal with them as real until now. If I could describe it, it has made me feel quiet ghostly, quite vacant in day to day life. Now don’t get me wrong everything is getting done but I feel a bit like a bystander to it all. It will pass, I will come to terms with it, process it and move on but until then I understand that this is a necessary pathway that needs to be walked in order to grow past it.
So, weddings and babies aside. My happiness remains mine to create and mine to protect.